Just thuoughts I guess 2013-02-10
I know, I know that my family have been suffering from pain, from grief. I know my family have been strong, coz they are all still here, (and some of them are in heaven, but they are still here) they have never stopped fighting, they have cleaned the dirt off their pants, more than once, they have all fallen, but they haven't stayed there, they have always got up again, some of them faster than others. But all of them got back up on their feets.
I might be one reason why my family have been hurt, for being complicated , for not listening all those times, but also maybe coz they have been feeling bad, coz sometimes things have been too much, they didn't have the energy to do anything , coz they had much on their mind and that they didn't have enough energy to take care of themself properly. And I don't blame them for that, coz everyone has a time in their life or more than one time in their life hard to take care of themselfs , maybe coz they have many things on their mind, maybe coz they just need a break from whats called responsibility, to be a grown up.
I've learned that even the strongest person need to have a break from being the strongest, sometimes they need to be the one that someone is taking care of, just to feel safe , have a hug and someone who they can let their steam out on, just say whatever they have on their mind, their heart, just to talk about it and feel that someone understands and don't judge , not asking questions , just sitting there and listening to them and listening to what they have to say, maybe give them advise if they want or ask for it , but only by sitting there listening to them can mean so much to them , just such a small thing. Many older ppl who are lonley, they just miss someone to talk to , just to have a cup of coffee with, I think this can be a reason why some ppl talk to flower or themself, or having TV or radio loud ( maybe loud coz they don't hear well) but just to have ”someone” there.
For some ppl this might just sound like crap, but I mean , I don't care if they think it does, then they don't need to read it. It's 2:59AM and I'm writing it , I'm not writing it to please anyone or to prove anything. The only thing I'm doing, is that I'm saying what I'm thinking just that it's on a paper , maybe to get it out of my head or maybe coz it's just coz I feel like doing it , might be the song I'm listening to that's ”making me” do it, and yes I'm listening to it over and over again, makes me feel relaxed. I don't know for sure myself, but I don't panic coz of not knowing, coz it's not important to me why I'm doing it , I do't even care about my grammar when I'm writing it, not about typos or how it will sound for ppl who read it, they might think things whatever those things are or what they have on their mind.
I have two familys, and I'm proud of it , I don't regret anything about having two familys, I love them both as much as the other. I know that some don't accept it , but I mean ”Hey it's my choice” I can't just live my life after what others think, but it feels so good that the person I talked to yesterday really understands even if made him/her feel like they got stabbed in the heart. But like he/she said ”I rather get hurt from the truth, than happy by a lie” ( I don't know exactly the words he/she said but it's pretty close to what I just wrote)
You can listen to what ppl say, but you don't need to always do what they say, you choose what feels best for you, sometimes it might not turn out to be what you thought, but I mean, if you never try . Where will you be? You need to be brave sometimes, brave to try/ do what you think is the right thing to do, sometimes it will turn out that it was the wrong choice , and other times it will turn out that you made the right choice. But remember , you are the one making the choice. If you are young, might not be able to do whatever you want to do, but if your parents just says ”No” ask why, and ask them to listen how you have been thinking, what you think will be the good thing and what might be the things that is less good or not good at all. If it's hard to see more than the good things , coz you want it so bad, talk to someone about it , coz everything has consequences, some are worse than others, but there are always consequences , some are so small so you don't see them at all, and some of them are so big that you will have to live with them for the rest of your life. If you are not sure about the consequences that might be , talk to someone about it, someone you trust , a teacher, your grandparents, a friend, siblings. Just someone , that you know will help you .
Sometimes I hear that I sound like a ”nagging Mom” when ppl ask me about advise, maybe that I sound like a Mom , but that doesn't bother me, might be that I'm a ”Nagging Mom” coz I think about what can happen if you do / don't do something, but most of all, it's coz I care.
Some ppl will just be a ”nagging Mom” coz they want to be , coz they are a pain in the ass, and some of them do it out of love, just coz they love and care about you.
To be honest, now my mind is empty and I don't have anymore to say/ write , so it might just end like a movie with a bad end laughsss but I hope not, and however this ain't a movie so it doesn't matter much..
If you have any questions about this, just ask
// Nina Ellis
2013-02-10
Song I was listening to - Magnus Uggla - Jag och min Far
